Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
