I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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