i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
