fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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