i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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