You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
