I just made out with a guy for $7.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
