I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
