You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
