The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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