FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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