and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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