So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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