These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
