THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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