bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
