He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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