I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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