i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
two words: eviction party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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