You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
