im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
