The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
