when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
