I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
