waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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