On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
