Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
