I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
