Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
