she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
