O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
