I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm just crazy horny about you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
