I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize