Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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