Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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