I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
