I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
