no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
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I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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