I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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