Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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