I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
