my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
