I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
