***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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