I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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