never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
