he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
