just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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