Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
