my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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