all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
