the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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