He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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