toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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