dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
