tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
