Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
