I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
