Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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