so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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