I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
