sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
